French Military Victories

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --Norman Schwartzkopf

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." ---Rush Limbaugh

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" -- Hannibal Lecter

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France. "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." --David Letterman

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" ---Jay Leno

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.

The only navel victory that the French had in it's long history is the blowing-up of the Rainbow Warrior in New Zealand.

Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?

A. You can make soldiers out of toast.

Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?

A. So the French can show them how to surrender.

Q. How do you get a trombone to sound like a French horn?

A. Stick your hand in the bell and mess up all the notes.

Q. Why are the French so afraid of war?

A. You would be too if you never won one in your history.

A Frenchwoman with a parrot on her shoulder walks into a bar. The barman says "That's an real ugly bird you've there. Where did u get it?"

The parrot says "I got it in France ... There's millions of 'em there"

The French still need more proof that Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery.

What is a citizen of Paris called?

President Bush and Secretary Rumsfeld may be upset that the French are not
"assisting" us in this fight, but out here at the tip of the spear, there is
nothing but jubilation at their absence.   Last thing we need is to be
carrying the French on our shoulders.

A cursory review of French military history reveals the following:

1 - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

2 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "French armies
are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

3 - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

4 - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

5 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant but still manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

6 - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

7 -  The Dutch War - Tied.   Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher than they look.

8 -  War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

9 -  War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

10 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw
far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to
the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most
of the fighting."

11 -  French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

12 - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for the
Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British footwear designer.

13 - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost.   For the first, but certainly not the
last time, Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy to France 's ugly girl
home alone on a Saturday night.

14 - World War I - Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing, France is
saved by the United States.  Winds up a tie for les francaise. Thousands of
French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but
one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the American fascination with
personal hygiene (a fascination totally foreign to French women) incites
widespread use of condoms by American soldiers, thus precluding any
improvement in the French bloodline.

15 - World War II - A decisive defeat even by French standards.   Hitler and
the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly through the winter,
then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in
front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to
Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how
to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in
German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as
they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some small portion of the
German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all...

16 - First Vietnamese war (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the scrimmage",
or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is kept on the sideline to
see how the second string will play) -  Lost.   French soldiers, fresh off
their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien
Bien Flu.

17 - Algerian rebellion - Lost.   First time an Arab army has beaten a
Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern
Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French."  A nice phrase, but it
lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of warfare
for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.

18 - War on Terrorism - Lost.   Incensed at not being included in the
original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate.   When it becomes
clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and
immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder.   For good
measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria.

The moral of the story is - give thanks to God on high that the French are not helping us!

For instance, Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France, either. Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

And why are French streets tree lined?

So the Germans can march in the shade.

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

No one knows. It's never been tried.

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind).

FOR SALE: French rifles . . . never fired, only dropped once.

Dennis Miller specializes in French humor. "The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffl! es in Iraq," Miller says.

"The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies."

That last one is more than a joke. It's shrewd commentary. It captures why the French make such poor allies. When they pulled out of NATO 40 years ago and declared Americans must close down their bases in France, Secretary of State Dean Rusk had a bitterly caustic response: "Should we dig up the graves of American soldiers in Normandy, too, and take them
home?"

"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." —Jay Leno

"A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington, the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have changed the name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries.' Nothing like this has happened since the 1950s when 'russian dressing' changed to 'commie sauce.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse — they've been repackaged and sold to France." —Craig Kilborn

"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." —Dennis Miller

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller

"As you know our Allies of Evil are not being helpful with this Iraqi situation. With all due respect I think President Bush is handling this situation all wrong What Bush should do is send someone the French really respect, like Jerry Lewis." —Jay Leno

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." —Conan O'Brien

"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" —Jay Leno

"President Bush has called for the end of the marriage tax calling marriage a 'sacred institution recognized by God and man.' Wow, this guy can't stop slamming the French." —Craig Kilborn

"After what they say was an exhaustive investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice." —Jay Leno

"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." —Jay Leno

"Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures — just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done." —Jay Leno

Want more?? How about the truth.
Is this what France supports? Is this what France protects?

5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:

6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a United States Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:

10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers
and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted to a crash by the passengers.
Thousands of people were killed by:

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